Free to wander

There was a time
When my heart was free to wander
And I remember as I sing
This hobo song.
– John Prine

Yesterday a friend of mine was describing to me what sounded like an existential crisis. He wasn’t sure why he was doing what he was doing in his work. I recognized the feeling – I have had just that feeling in the past. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. One day you just start to think “Why, exactly, am I doing this? Is it for the money? For the pursuit of truth? To help others?” And I remember that when I went through this, I would start to waver, to wonder what any of it meant.

And today it occurred to me, listening to my friend and thinking about what he was saying, that I haven’t had that feeling in a while. Right now all the things I am working on feel as though they have a compelling purpose, a momentum and a reason to exist that drives forward not just the activity itself, but also my own sense of purpose in doing them.

Thinking about this, and wondering why it is so, I realized that nowadays I put a lot of effort into choosing the things I do, much more effort than I used to. There was a time when I would see something interesting to do, like a bright shiny train pulling into the station, flags waving and whistle blowing, and I would just hop on, like a hobo wanderer out to see the world, figuring that if nothing else I would enjoy the ride.

Now I check train schedules, I look at destinations, and I ask myself whether I really want to take this particular journey. Knowing where I am going, and why, turns out to make the trip far more satisfying. And when it comes time to board another train, I’m now much more likely to pick a good one. I am not saying that this is a better way of being or of doing things than the hobo way, but it seems to be working much better for me.

I know it sounds trite, but that doesn’t make it any less true: Wandering can be great fun, but it’s amazing how freeing it can be to have some idea of where you are going.