Tall tales

This evening I was having dinner with my friend Sabrina, and she told me of the time some years ago when I was out of town and she stayed in my apartment, where she found and read my paperback copy of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park. She said that the next day she happened to see some cute little figurines of giraffes in the window of a Greenwich Village shop, after which she had nightmares in which killer giraffes were terrorizing the city, devouring everyone in sight.

Which of course led me to thinking about the obvious title: Giraffic Park! The idea alone is enough to send chills down your spine, isn’t it? A remote island resort where cute critters have been genetically engineered to provide the ultimate in adorable entertainment: miniature giraffes, candy striped panda bears, singing koalas!

Until something goes horribly wrong…

I can already see Mr. Spielberg optioning the rights, if only for the pivotal scene of Tom Cruise being devoured by a menacing hoard of two foot tall mini-giraffes. I don’t know about you, but I would pay to see that.

I mean really, it’s wonderful how you can breathe new life in old ideas with only the smallest of changes. For example, I’ve long thought that the movie version of The Crow missed a great opportunity – they should have lost the letter “r” in the title. Imagine the cinematic possibilities: Our hero, who has come back from the dead to wreak vengeance on bad guys everywhere, is played by a really buff young dude wearing a skin-tight cow-pattern outfit. His mysterious yet dappled appearance strikes fear into the hearts of baddies everywhere.

And, of course, every time he is about to make his entrance a lone bovine materializes on a nearby rooftop, mysteriously outlined against the moonlit sky. The silence is broken by the sound of a single solitary moo, echoing through the dark city streets, a portent of swift and certain justice.

My idea is much better than the original, don’t you think? I mean, everybody expects a crow to show up on a nearby rooftop, mysteriously outlined against the moonlit sky. But a cow – now that would really be something.

You might think this is all ridiculous. But just keep in mind, my skeptical friend, that we live in a world where the United States Government issues patents for things like a Magnetic cow pattern.

So there.

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