Sometimes we forget that even those we are closest to are separate beings, not extensions of ourselves. The reason they come to us is not the reason we come to them. And so we lull ourselves into thinking that because something makes sense in our own mind, it will also make sense in theirs.
Unfortunately, this is not the way the world works. Not only do we need to understand that our friend is different from us, but we also need to be willing to risk separation from them, by saying: “No, the way you are being toward me does not honor my true self – you must recognize this boundary within me, even if it means little to you”. This is hard, because that level of honesty can drive away those we most wish to be close to.
But in the long run, it is the only way.
?
Does “?” mean that you don’t understand what I said, that you disagree with what I said, or that you are wondering why I said it? 🙂
context? what are you writing about? given thursday’s events, as they were planned anyway, its a challenging post to decipher.
It’s a very Ayn Rand stance.
According to Rand, the individual “must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.”
Sounds noble and necessary, but in practice if they are truly “those we most wish to be close to” you will find a way to re-examine, bridge, or erase those boundaries within you. You can stay alone with your boundaries or change to meet the world and others.
I disagree.
The goal for Rand is exclusive self-interest. Personally I don’t find that to be a particularly noble or necessary goal.
When I used the phrase “The only way”, I meant “The only way to be able to be there for the ones you love.”
What I was talking about is consistent with a goal of focusing on the needs the other, even at the expense of one’s own self-interest. But even if you choose to sacrifice your own interest for the sake of someone you love, you still need to work with the material you really bring to the situation – your own self.
You have to be prepared to tell the other person who you really are, and find the courage to let them know when they’ve gotten that wrong, even if this level of honesty will lead to conflict in the short run.
The alternative would be to construct an artificial Potemkin self. People who go that route generally find that it greatly diminishes their capacity to be of any use to anyone.