Apocalypse now

All over New York City this past week, at bus stops and various random places, I’ve been seeing advertisements explaining that the world is going to end on May 21. It seems that folks more clever at numbers than you and I have calculated that date as the precise day of the Second Coming (here’s the back story).

I haven’t done anything in response to this because, frankly, I’m a procrastinator. But now that we’re only five days from the Apocalypse, I feel perhaps it’s time to adjust my thinking to factor in the whole, you know, end of the world thing.

For example, I now finally understand why Broadway shows have no-refund-or-exchange policies. Imagine how business on the Great White Way would suffer if everyone started refunding their tix. And what about those unscrupulous folks who keep selling those orchestra seats to suckers who haven’t heard about the End of Days? I mean, how stupid would you feel if the end of the world came and you were the one left holding useless tickets to “The Lion King”?

And I’m very curious to learn how all of those Hindus and Buddhists will react when they wake up the morning of May 22 only to find that, well, there is no May 22. Are they going to get the word from the Big Guy himself? Or will He cop out and send some angel or seraph to give the bad news.

I’m trying to picture the scene: Billions of assembled Buddhists and Hindus — men, women and children — all standing around nervously. They’ve heard something’s up. Suddenly a booming celestial voice starts to explain: “Um, We don’t really know how to tell you this folks, but all this time you’ve been betting on the wrong horse. Tough break.”

At which point somebody will probably speak up, maybe a Buddhist: “But what about all our good works?” this Buddhist guy will protest. “You know, our own version of righteousness. Feeding the poor, easing suffering as a part of our religious practice?”

“And the cows,” some Hindus will chime in at this point. Don’t forget about the cows.”

“Yeah, what about the cows,” the Buddhists will agree, nodding vigorously, “Those guys have the whole cow thing. That’s gotta count for something, right?”

“Afraid not.” The celestial voice is starting to grow impatient. “Look, we’ve got an Apocalypse to run here. There’s lots of details, things to sort out, you wouldn’t understand. Do you people have any idea how complicated an operation like this is? Jesus! Now why can’t you all be good sports and just go to hell?”

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