Joint session

In a shocking reversal, Congress held a joint session today to move forward on removing Donald Trump from office. Representative Paul Ryan (R Wisconsin) and Chuck Schumer (D New York) issued a statement on behalf of the entire legislative branch, which in a rare show of solidarity voted unanimously to begin impeachment hearings.

“It’s not the influence peddling, the lying, the creepy Russian connection, the pussy grabbing, the Mexican wall nonsense, or even our President’s sheer inability to close a legislative deal,” explained Mr. Ryan at a hastily assembled press conference. “It’s the stupidity.”

In a moment that many found poignant and moving, Mr. Ryan admitted to having given in to a false sense of hope that the candidate who ran for election by posing as a narcissistic sociopath was not, in fact, a narcissistic sociopath.

“Alas, the time has come to reject ‘alternative facts’,” said Mr. Ryan sadly. “The man is simply out of his mind. We’re looking bad to our potential trade partners, China is about to corner the global clean energy market, and nobody knows what nutty thing the President is going to tweet next in his undies at five in the morning.”

Senator Schumer chimed in, “It is rare that our two parties can agree on anything these days. But we finally had to face the facts. This guy is a cuckoo bird.”

Both houses of congress will take a formal vote on the matter tomorrow. They would have voted today, but several legislators demurred, expressing a wish to respect the traditional moratorium on voting during April Fools Day.

Steve Bannon, who is widely respected in our nation’s capital for his ability to make Donald Trump walk and talk on command, was unavailable for comment.

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