California outlaws inappropriate “marriage”

One of the more interesting developments last Tuesday was the passage of a law in three states, including California, rendering it illegal for couples to marry if they are incapable of having children. The law extends to cover all barren women, impotent men, and couples in which the woman is over the age of 50 at the time the marriage license is sought.

“We fought long and hard for this law,” says Fred Wilmhite, leader of SANE (Society Against Nonmoral Entanglements). “For too long certain people have treated the sacred institution of marriage simply as a license for wanton sexual congress. Well, the day of reckoning has now arrived. The sanctity of marriage is based on its role in society as a solemn institution for the raising of children, and we must never lose sight of that principle.”

The new law was widely applauded. Even His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI praised the decision. The Vatican, which rarely comments upon the passage of U.S. laws, issued a special holy writ commending the American people for their historic decision, and expressed the hope that similar sanity would soon prevail throughout the United States and the world.

Harvard Professor and renowned legal scholar Harold Schustenblatt agreed to be interviewed for this article. “The urge to engage in sexual intercourse for purposes other than normal procreation is natural,” he said, “One might even say that it is part of the human condition. But, ipso facto, so is the urge toward murder, or theft, or the improper fondling of certain small furry animals.” Upon making this last point Professor Schustenblatt suddenly appeared to become nervous, taking a long moment to clean his glasses before proceeding with his learned disquisition.

“One must accept that society itself has real needs, and that the individual cannot – must not – be permitted to subvert those needs simply to satisfy his or her own wanton lusts. Were we to allow every man and woman who wanted only to engage in sexual intercourse to hide their actions under the cover of matrimony, where would we go next? Wouldn’t the law then require us to permit ten year olds to marry? Would you want to be responsible for legally sanctioning sexual activity between preadolescent children?”

We hastily agreed that we would not, and thanked Dr. Schustenblatt for his time. In spite of his busy schedule, the great man was quite gracious, spending considerable time after the interview playing with our pet hamster Sonya, and even offering to watch her for us on weekends.

Many constitutional scholars believe that this new law is only part of a larger trend. Once the precedent is firmly established that the sacred institution of marriage exists in the United States for the purpose of forming a family, tolerance for sexual relations between childless “married” individuals will likely continue to decrease.

As of this writing, there were no plans to revoke the marriage licenses of childless couples who were already wed when the law was enacted. And yet this generous tolerance toward the recognition of such sinful unions is not universally shared. Kevin Schmidt, senior Pastor of Bountiful Hills United Methodist Church, puts it rather eloquently: “Even were we to accept the absurd notion that women over fifty are even still interested in sexual congress, it is clearly not in the interest of society to permit them to continue to engage in carnal acts at a time when they are no longer capable of conceiving children. I mean, at some point we must draw the line and say no to acts of moral indecency.”

Pastor Schmidt, at the hale and healthy age of sixty three, followed the dictates of his church and his conscience by divorcing his first wife – the mother of his first three children – when she was no longer of childbearing age. He is now happily married to the former Desiree Gladstone, age twenty two, who as of this writing is six months pregnant with their second child.

A small but vocal group of dissenters, particularly the group PETE (People for the Ethical Treatment of Eroticism) has begun asserting that the use of phrases such as “the sanctity of marriage” as a justification for any U.S. law is a blatant violation of the separation of church and state. Government officials have been duly alerted, and these people are being watched, to make sure they don’t try to slip into each others’ beds just to have sex, under the cover of marriage.