Product names

Absolution — The exercise program for priests

Avarice — The preferred snack food for sultry 1950’s movie sirens

Behoove — Motto of the ASPBH (American Society for the Prevention of Barefoot Horses)

Contrite — Greeting cards for that special prisoner in your life

Dictatorial — Instruction manual for budding despots

Eschew — The yummy new candy shaped like everyone’s favorite letter

Gangling — A magazine for the children of Bloods and Crips

Limpid — The singles club for people with no sex drive

Pedantic — A cure for restless foot condition

Penultimate — The perfect gift for the scribe who has everything

Posthaste — For when you need that letter mailed right now

Prowess — The association for transgendered prows

Sibilant — Help for insects with multiple personality disorder

Taciturn — Store that specializes in understated funerary containers

Winsome — Self-help for managing expectations in the casino

10 thoughts on “Product names”

  1. Haha, awesome! 🙂

    That reminds me of “The deeper meaning of Liff”, where Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, in their role as lingo-ecologists, try to use words more resourceful. They take names for places you never need to go to and re-purpose them for experiences that no-one has a word for.

    You probably know it, no?

    One I like:
    Lulworth (n.): Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountably stops talking at the same moment.

  2. Also, I wonder: is the fact that most of the names start with a ‘P’ a coincidental cumulation? Or are P product pitches prevalently predominant?

  3. Perhaps the predominance of ‘P’ product pitches is Perlin purposely parlaying a peculiar (purported) penchant for populist pandering. In particular, parsing puns primarily per plosive potential.

  4. Ah, they didn’t include my favorite of Mary Ann Madden’s wonderful competitions — the week when the challenge was to come up with the best mistranslation into English of a foreign phrase.

    As I recall, the winners that week were:

    Original phrase: Un fait accompli
    Translation: A greek salad with everything on it

    Original phrase: Une bonne idée
    Translation: Easter

  5. (Proving my point about your amazing memory—see, it really does serve you well most of the time 🙂 )

  6. I ordered the 3 books of collected New York Magazine Competitions (used, since they are out of print). It’s been so long since I’ve even thought about them—I was a teenager and my mother had a subscription. I’m looking forward to some light reading!

  7. Awesome!!! 🙂 One of my favorites is “What I should have said / What I said”:

    What I should have said: “I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic or got behind a slow driver”.

    What I said: “Maybe he’s dead.”

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